Title: The Truth About Mental Health, Parenting & Work-Life Balance
Downloaded: 2025-12-30 09:35:16

[Music] All right. So, we took a little bit of a break. So, if in the video there's like a splice or something, just that's what happened. We got a couple of drinks, uh, stretched our legs, and now we're back. A little spice, you know. It's Yeah, it's still Well, no, it is lunchtime. It's happy hour. It's It's Friday. I don't work on Fridays. I don't work on Fridays. We were talking on the break. I have these options of what to do and how I've chosen to run like because the quality of life for me is so much more important than how big can I get, right?

If I advertise, well, now I've got 50 employees. Now I have 100. Now I need to do all and I I want Fridays off. So our employees paid Fridays off. We don't want Fridays because nothing happens between 10:30 and 12 on a Friday and it's like two emails. Have a good weekend next week. Let's hit up like nothing happens right and I don't want to be stressed. I want to have a day off. Like let's just work hard for four days. Yeah. Let's just do our job and then Fridays are off. Like Yeah. And your birthday's a day off.

Do not come. It's a payday. Do not come to my office on your birthday. And my dad taught me that. I love that. No, he he has his own medical practices and I must have been 10 and he stayed home like he worked. We never really saw him and he worked so much. And so he was home and I was like, "What are you doing?" He goes, "It's my birthday." And I go, "What do you mean, but why aren't you at work?" He goes, "It's my birthday." And I He's like, "It can wait. Today's the my day." Yeah. Beautiful. I love it. And I go, "Wait, can I do that for school?" Like on my birthday, skipped school.

He goes, "Absolutely." Yeah. So, since I was about 10, right? I have never worked, gone to school on my birthday. My employees don't. My kids don't like Yeah. I don't want you. I don't like Do you It's your day. I love that. I'm stealing that. I'm going to start implementing that for my for my life. I think that's a beautiful That's your day. That is your day to celebrate your life. Don't make anybody else decide for you what to do. I'm with you on the Fridays. Like I've been doing that for a long time. I think that for me, you know, for my mental health, I use my Fridays to do stuff like this that this, as my therapist says, this is self-care.

Like this is self-care. um to do what you Friday's like you I I will decide if I'm gonna do something on Friday I don't want somebody else to decide but to balance it out I also say success happens on Sunday right we we were talking um before about how to prevent situations from happening and if you want Friday off know what it takes to be able to take Friday off which for me on success happens On Sunday, I will spend maybe an hour, hour and a half getting ready for the week. Yeah. Right. Nobody wants to work on Sundays, but that hour and a half getting ready for the week gets me so much further ahead.

Yeah. That I'm able to take Friday off. I used to before I had children, I used to work every single Saturday. I had open office hours on Saturday for my clients because most of my clients work during the week and I hated the idea of them having to take off work to come meet with my client with with their lawyer and this was before Zoom was a big deal before COVID right and what we do specifically in in my practice area I'm very old school I like old school papers nothing I have my digital and virtual Dropbox but like the connection with a human being in person is so different co forced us all to kind of get better at it.

So, I appreciate that because now most of my client meetings are via Zoom and my clients appreciate it. But pre precoid um we did it a lot. So, I worked every Saturday and I would use that time to and and I did my dad and I never saw him. But that's a thing. But that was before kids, right? So, for me No, no, my No, but for me, I'm saying Yeah. For you. Yeah. Yeah. But the influence it has Well, you didn't have kids, I guess, right? I didn't have kids then, so I don't do that now. But um I would not work Fridays.

I would use my Fridays as my day. And so I would make up for it by going in on Saturday. So unless I have to be in court in person, I'm usually running errands on Fridays, meeting up with friends, having a lunch, t doing self-care, doing this. Even going I last week I went to my um friend's law firm and I just I I took that and I just went and enjoyed a couple hours working at her firm, you know. So, um, every every Friday is kind of what I want to do and how I want to do it. And that's helped me tremendously to set me up for the week ahead, to set me up for the weekend of solo parenting and birthday parties.

It's a lot. You brought up solo parenting. Yeah. Um, without getting too deep into it, but since we're segueing into mental health, we had an episode on mental health last week. Um I myself uh it it's a topic close to my heart. I I struggle with it. And so I wanted to to ask you Manel, do you go to therapy? Yeah. So after my husband passed away, um he passed away very suddenly in April of 2023. Shortly after, I started seeing a grief counselor and to really help me process. I was also five months pregnant when he passed away.

So, I had and and I had a 19-month-old, so I had a lot to to juggle. And I had a successful law firm and employees. And so, I started my therapy journey then, and I have been consistently going pretty much every week. I've switched therapists. So, I had the first therapist for about 6 months, and then I felt like I got them to the maximum I could get out of with her. I did take a little bit of a break for a few months and then I found this new one. I researched and found her and um she's wonderful and her she does um grief and trauma and um parenting which is just for me equally important as me processing my grief and trauma from my husband's loss and then raising my children alone and entering into the workforce.

Parenting is so important. I it does not come naturally to me. As much as I wanted to be a mother and as much as I love being a mother, the parenting approach is not something that I was well equipped for because I'm very much of the mindset of like the gentle parenting approach, but that just doesn't work with my kids. They just My my um three and a halfyear-old Jude is very very uh defiant and inquisitive. He's very smart and he asks a million questions which I love and I am very patient with him asking questions.

I do pat myself on the back for that. I answer every question he has. Um, but it's demanding and it's taxing and he um he loves to push buttons and he's learning about emotions and he's I mean he's very much a toddler and three and a halfyear-old and um he's so big for his size so it's like you forget he's only three and a half he looks like he's five and um but yeah so she's really helped helped me uh learn the tools that I need to be a better mom because this is the first time he and and I are both doing this.

But holy crap, I have like 40 years ahead of him, right? Yeah. He's brand freaking new. He's He doesn't know how to. So really, it's not training him, it's training me. And I don't think it's an age thing. You know, obviously, you know, at his age, it's an age thing. But there are some clients that one of my most brilliant clients was one of my first clients. Um he did family office. He represented the Vanderbilts, the Cargis, um the Candlers who own Coca-Cola. So and family offices, business, estate, corporate, like anything related to so no one and it's inherited wealth for generational wealth, right?

And so nobody cousins, nobody could make a decision without going through him, right? and brilliant and he must have been I don't know like 70 right he was older and he had a younger partner and he started asking me these questions about you know how to deal with emotions and what to do and and it I was like you're just now asking yourself these questions on how to cope and how to handle these things and you're in your seven so people you could be 40 and not know how to handle things. I'm so happy you just mentioned that anecdote because one thing that I've been struggling with um you guys met Holly earlier.

I recently started talking to Holly and she put me on to this path about she saw the questions that I had or like the issues that I had that I needed to to to address to kind of fix and uh one thing that I had shared with her I was like I'm I'm embarrassed that I feel like this is something that I should have done in adolescence. You know you when you're like 12 13 years old you figure these things out not in your 40s. No, people don't like when kids are born as parents, they don't come with instruction manuals.

Yeah. You know, like we don't know if they're screaming them like, "Oh, turns out this is what collic is." Yeah. You know, like I had no idea what collic was, right? But then even as a human, like I've been going to therapy every Friday at noon. Obviously today, today. Um sorry that this is evergreen content. Um but because you know as much as I read as spiritual as I am as aware as I am right I don't know what to do. Yeah. You know like it's easy for me to tell other people what to do and see the path for them right but to see the path for myself on some of these issues I can only read so many books.

I can only and to be able to just hey can you help me call balls and strikes on this or can you just like let me just bounce this idea off of you and how should I handle it right it's and so it's not like he tells me what to do it's more of have you thought of this or why don't you try this you know and so I think it's weird that there's this negative connotation about it because it is so I think everyone deals with it. I think CO the first year really brought it out but it was the second year of co that I think destroyed a lot of people but this is like by co right like so like before 2020 this was an issue and now it's even worse and so I've been doing this since 1997 so um my clients are are lawyers right it's a very stressful job.

They have other people's lives in their hands in any sort of way. Like estate, it's it's the kids' lives, right? In in any situation or like a significant fraction of their life in their hands, right? Like a PE I was in a car accident, right? Like I'm going through a divorce, whatever the case may be. And they they don't know how to handle it, right? Because they have their own issues. They have all this stress coming at them. They're also probably parents are not like or maybe it's a relationship thing.

They have all these things. And so I see so much mental health issues with my clients and I work with lawyers, right? I'm not calling lawyers crazy. Guys, don't get defense. Oh, we are. Um but it happens to everybody. Yeah. You know, and it's like growing up with doctors, that's a whole another level of ego compared to lawyers. Like everyone thinks lawyers have egos, but imagine growing up with doctors. We talk about discipline in your Persian parents. Like try try my parents. Um Nicaraguan first generation.

Like it's so hard for them to just be like, "Hey, I'm confused. I don't know what to do." Yeah. Right. And it's like and they're and and they're embarrassed, right? And it's and we have to we have to remember like I was raised kind of in a children are to be seen heard environment because culturally I think that's what our parents knew. My parents were immigrants from Lebanon and had kids young. You know, I was born in Canada and then we moved to the US and you know my father um is an engineer. He's retired now.

And but the train comes from Alabama. me. But you know, so I was raised in that world and I don't believe in that for my children. I mean, my house is loud. It's chaotic. It's messy. I wouldn't want it any other way. It is very different than the way I was raised. At the same time, I was, you know, spanked. I was yelled at. I was spoken to very sternly. And if you were too loud, you got shot down. and we we were it was ingrained in us. Yeah. Um I don't practice that with my kids, but yet I kind of expect them to be obedient and that's like you have to teach them like so what I think um so one of my best compliment testimonial things on was he's calm but authoritative.

Yeah. Right. And so that's how I am with my kids. Yeah. I Mason had his birthday party and everyone was there and he goes, "My dad is super cool, but when he says it's time, it's time, right?" And so, and that's the thing. It's like, yeah, but how old was Mason when he got to that point? So, Mason's 13. He's pro, that was probably when he was 11. So, Mason is like yours. So, my nickname growing up was Kulo Loco, which in Spanish is crazy ass. All right. So, everyone called me like Kulo. Kulo. By the way, um I'm I'm pretty sure after this episode everyone's gonna call Yeah.

Call me Kulo because I am Kula Loco. I think that's what people like about Right. And then Mason was born, right? So Darius was first and then we had Mason. I thought we were done before Elgrace and then Mason was born and the minute like he's, you know, the first six months they don't really do much, right? Um it's more of a Yeah. Yeah. there. They're just kind of there. I might have another kid because now I know what Kula Loco is. Mason is the most Kula Loco. He is like Yeah. I mean, and it's it blows me away.

See, that makes me so nervous because Jude was my first. And you know, they say those second borns, but Jude was already Kola Loco and is and now Giovani is even worse. Like Gio Giovani, I have a very steep driveway. He rode his Superman car down the drive. This is my 20month-old. Oh wow. I caught him halfway through and saved him from like he would have he would have catapulted like it was it was bad. And he was laughing hysterically like thought it was the funniest thing in the world. This just happened two days ago.

And I carried him up and this little [ __ ] takes the cart and is positioning it to do it again. And I have one of those retractable gate things at the top of my driveway to like keep balls and stuff from fall and keep the kids from and I he threw the biggest fit because I pulled it out and he was like what do you I was like you cannot ride down the driveway in this little you're 20 months old like calm down and so that is my buttons that I've not I don't know how to handle these behaviors. I don't know how to handle this like craziness.

And so when I literally my my appointment with my therapist on Wednesday this week, um half of it was about my childhood trauma and the other half of it was about my kids and their impulse control issues and how to navigate that. So here's the the other thing that I didn't realize like until I So the reason I went through therapy was of all the things I was going through, I had an issue. I did not want my children to be a product of divorce. Right? My parents were still married, right? So if at whatever age you are, I promise you when you meet somebody at some point in time and relatively soon, they're going to tell you that their parents were divorced.

You always know. And for me, I never understood that, right? My parents were always together. And I never cuz it was like clearly traumatizing. My parents divorced when I was seven. My parents divorced when I was my parents like you will know when somebody and I never wanted to do that with my kids. So, I could research all I wanted about how to self-awareness, how to give advice, but I had no idea how to decide the trauma I'm about to inflict on my children. Yeah. Versus because Ella Grace would say, "How come we're only a family of four?

How come we're not a family of five?" or when are you done with this house and moving back, you know, and I don't know how to deal with that, right? And so what I went was kind of how how to deal with this because I didn't want my kids being tr and and the guilt that I feel that you we're both equally responsible for what happened. But as parents, you know, there's guilt in this is the trauma that we've created for these kids that that I promise you, I've met so many people that are like my divorce went and it caused something else that so I've created this other trajectory now in their life, right?

What about the people that have you met enough people that say my parents should have been divorced and that trauma that it caused that they didn't? My parents my parents should have been divorced. I think that's my parents should like we talked they should have been divorced. They were together almost 60 years, right? Um we always said they should have. But when my mom passed, I learned this new level of love from my dad that I never knew before, right? And I was like, was it that like he couldn't be himself?

It was more No. So he was a total dick growing up, right? It wasn't until like we all left and he got that he started being cool. Yeah. Right. Seems pretty masculine patriarch. and a doctor. Like you have like no like so many layers. There's like there's and like my brother and sister are professional athlete like there like there was and when you're first generation you have that obligation of cuz he was born in a mountain village of Nicarawa of of 18 of 1,800 people like no paved roads no lies right and like he became a doctor in United States and had us in San Francisco like we have an obligation like we better not [ __ ] this up.

It's like Middle Eastern parents and their expectations as well from kids very similar. So they should have been divorced, right? Because it caused a lot with the s with the kids, right? But they also loved each other in a way that I didn't really under like it was such a like higher level of love, you know, that you know, just how he cared, you know, it was just so maybe they shouldn't, you know, you never know. Yeah. Did you I'm sorry to interrupt. Prior to the divorce, did you do therapy then or did you start therapy after?

No, I started before. Okay. So, cuz we had quasi been separated for a while. Like I was living in an apartment and and it was it was upcoming and then a a client saw me at a game and he's like, "You look like shit." And I'm like, "Well, I've been faking it for a while." And he goes, "You need to go talk to this guy." Right? He goes, "It's okay. I see him, too." Right? And this is a very smart lawyer, right? Like it's like, "It's okay." And for me again, it's hard to ask somebody for advice. Even though I like to ask because I like other people's perspective, my job is to give advice.

So, it's weird to go and say, "Tell me what to do." When everyone comes to me and says, "Tell me what to do." Yeah. Right. But this was a riddle I couldn't fix. So I was like, if we end up going and getting a divorce, right, I don't know how to handle this, right? So I saw him probably two years before we filed, right? And so I've for six years every Friday, right? So, I saw him before on how to kind of like, listen, I'm going through this and I don't know what the answers are and I don't want to do this with the kids and I need coping skills of dealing with this guilt that I'm about to inflict on my kids, right?

The ones that they're my favorite toys are my favorite thing to do. Like my like I love sp like they're my favorite things and I'm about to [ __ ] them up. Yeah. And how am I going to cope with that? Right. But then we got divorced, right? Um, but I started seeing him before. Yeah. Manel, how about you? Were you in therapy prior to your So, I did therapy one time before for a short period of time when um I lost someone very close to me. My one of my closest friends passed away and it was by suicide. So, that was, you know, very traumatic.

And so, I did seek some counseling. That was in 2010. Um, and then when my husband and I met, we we we were rushed to get married. And so we actually did marriage counseling during for about a month or so before we got married. And it wasn't because there was a problem. It was like, hey, we want to make sure we're covering all the bases and making sure we've addressed things and talked about everything and anything that we need to do before we actually do this. cuz we got engaged and married within 3 months of meeting.

Oh wow. Yeah. So it was very quick and I'm happy we did that. It was it was great. It was very It opened up lines of communication. My husband and I were very different. We were absolutely ying ying and yin and yang. Um but we're just very different types of communicators. I'm an extrovert. He was more of an introvert. Um his his he's a fix it. He's a Mr. Fix it. And I'm like nah I need a minute. Yeah. or I'm going to say things I'm going regret. I'm a fighter. He's a lover, you know. So, it was just like we we really we meshed very very well together.

So doing that um premarital counseling was really so we could understand each other's communication styles and make sure we covered all the bases of what should because I believe I did I did very little family law work when I was still a parillegal and I always believed that people got divorced for sometimes really stupid reasons but in fact people got married for even stupider reasons. Correct. And so I wanted to make sure we were not getting married because we were in love. Like I just wasn't me.

And so obviously, you know, we were rushed. So we did it and it was great um counseling. It was um very good for us to process each other's emotions and how we receive love, how we show love. And that's so this is the big in any sort of relation like nobody ever talks like cuz we grew up nobody's allowed to communicate. Nobody's allowed to talk about feelings. Right. Right. And you're always stoic. Yeah. Right. So, we lived in that world, right? And the problem is everyone has the feelings like I don't care how cool you could be whomever.

Yeah. Everyone has feelings, right? And everyone makes assumptions. Yeah. Because they get in their head. They're like, "Oh, you create a narrative. You create this narrative in your head of assumptions which should never like you need to stop yourself, right? But everyone has these feelings. Everyone has these assumptions. The challenge is being able to communicate it in a receptive way. Yes. Right. Because what people do is they have the feelings, they have the things going in their mind, but then they don't communicate it.

Yeah. Right. And you ha and you can communicate it to somebody else like a therapist to give you perspective or with your partner or with whomever. Hey, this is how I respond to things. Yeah. This is a trigger for me. Yeah. And not be afraid to talk about your especially with your partner. And that's why it was so important for us to do that because this my husband like this man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I want to have a band. I'm my baby daddy, you know? So like I want to set us up for success and that was you know the the it was important because at the end of the day I'm very traditional in my values when it comes to relationships and marriages.

This is my person. This is the one all beall. This is the most important figure in my life and anything I do affects him. So I need to make sure what I do is affecting him in the right way and vice versa. And so that was um really beneficial for us. And then you know after he passed I started all the the counseling and I'm still very much processing his loss and the grief and the things and the triggers. I mean it's still only two years. It's fresh. It's still very very very fresh. And not only that, but I have babies.

So I remember him every single day already. But then add on to it my children. you know, every time like yesterday was the in your own practice and and like like yesterday was Jude's end of year party at school and I just I'm like, "Oh man, Mark would love this." Like he would just love to be here. I mean, anything even today, this morning, Giovani decided he wanted to just like suck on my cheek. I'm like, "What?" You know, cuz he's a he's a toddler and he thought it was hilarious. And, you know, I'm like, "These are things Mike doesn't get to see and feel." So that is a lot of survivors guilt that is tied in.

Yeah. And so um therapy has been my main focus of good therapy when I started and it still has shifted but the main focus has always been I need to make sure I'm the best I can be for my kids. Yeah. So Gandhi said nothing goes right on the outside if nothing is right on the inside. That's so true. Right. So if you can't get yourself right and deal with the things and not be afraid of just I understand this happened to me. I need to figure out how to process this and move on so that I can take advantage of this life that I've been given.

Yeah. And live it to its fullest. But if I don't deal with these things, they will continue to pop up. Yeah. Right. And so it's okay to everyone's going to have these things happen, right? But so to be able to say if I'm not my best self, then I'm going to be the worst boyfriend, I'm going to be the worst husband, I'm going to be the worst father, I'm going to be the worst friend, I'm going to be the worst what employee, whatever it is. But nothing goes right on the outside if things are right in the inside.

So if you're feeling like, why do I keep hitting these brick walls? Because again, inside you have these feelings, right? And you're afraid to communicate it or share it. But guess what? Everyone has them on the professional level. I mean, most of my clients at some point in in our defense of their case, you know, especially if it's like a DUI, you're going to have to do an alcohol and drug evaluation. And most of them, it's just you have to do it. It's an evaluation. And then if there's any substance abuse issues, you know, counseling or treatment can be recommended for the most part.

First lifetime offenses, there's no further treatment, and you're done. But I have a lot of clients equally who are, you know, needing something whether it be substance abuse, but most substance abuse issues stem from a mental health issue, right? And that's that's where the root of the problem is. Um, you know, and and mental health counseling and treatment is so important. And unfortunately, our our world and our society doesn't is still very taboo to a certain degree. I think it's starting to get more it's starting to become less taboo.

But also on the other side, I feel like it's almost starting to become like an excuse and like a cool thing and it's not it's it's sad because there's a lot of mental health issues that go undiscovered or undisclosed because it's like, well, that's just life, right? But also, what are we trickling? You know, there's like it's like a it's a it's a when you throw a rock in the pool, what are the ripples? There's ripples effect. There's ripples down and down down the line. But just because somebody's like famous or whatever, like I know people that the last thing I would have expected out of this person was to commit suicide.

Yeah. And it was like like so the Kobe Bryant thing like still messes me up that he's dead, right? But that was an accident, right? And you would never expect a Kobe Bryant to commit suicide. Yeah. Right. But I've known same sorts where it's like I would have never expected this person was going through all this that this was their only solution. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's and it's it's really sad, but like the conversation we the universe has a way of giving you signs that I got connected. Yeah. The other day with my friend about another friend.

Yeah. That it was like for some reason the universe told me to reach out to you. Right. And so then I reached out to the other person and it was like it it takes a village. this helped me like this is something that I've been mindful of and was from when you told me and I would use it as a tool for me and then I want you to explain what it but for me as a tool if I felt like I was getting anxious or stressed about something I would literally set a 12-minute timer on my phone and let myself feel it and then at 12 minutes I was done and I was trying to put that into practice so to allow myself that time to process and that has so I live in 12minute increments right um so when I started so I just turned 51, right?

And somebody just unbelievable. Somebody called So unbelievable. Somebody just called me 34 last night, right? I would say 39, but still, right? At least we're still in the 30s. I got 38 last week. But imagine me 27 years ago, I look 12. Yeah. And so in order to feel valid with a creative writing degree, not a JD, not an MBA, right? So in order to feel like, hey, you should listen to me, I would make up little phrases and say, "My dad used to tell me this. My granddaddy used to tell me this." Right? Just cuz they that way it was like, "No, my dad, the doctor, an older person, a wiser person, a wiser person told me this." Right.

Right. So I would I would make up these little mantras and then just but attribute it to an to somebody else, right? Yeah. And so one of my mantras like this success happens on Sunday, right? Um or you can't be a gold coin to everybody. I live in 12-minute increments, right? If I can do my best in these 12 minutes, either for myself, with the person that I'm with, whomever, I'm going to try to do my best in these next 12 minutes and I'm going to be present and I'm going to be aware and I'm not going to think about like I'm going to and I know I'm going to [ __ ] up and I know every 12 minutes I'm not going to get them all right, right?

But if I can just get through these 12 minutes and do my best for myself, for my kids, for my clients, for whomever I'm with, if I'm going to have lunch with somebody for 12 minutes, I'm going to be so in the moment and I know my mind is like a sky with clouds, right? And it'll get cloudy sometimes and I'll have these thoughts, but eventually it's like in the next 12 minutes the clouds will pass, right? You know, so just I live in 12-minute increments. So now I know if I'm going to have lunch with you, it should not last any longer than 12 minutes.

Yeah. 11 minutes and 59. How did you come up with 12 minutes? It was a separation. Like because I never knew. So the kids were young. I didn't know how to handle the kid like affecting them in this traumatic sort of way. I couldn't process that. And then I also didn't know what was going to happen when this invisible monster or what when things were going to happen or what mood that person was going to be in. And so or what mood I was going to be in. Like we're equally right. And so what I decided was, dude, I don't know what's going to happen from the next 12 minutes to the next 12 minutes.

Mhm. Like I have no idea what's going to happen. I have no idea. And the 12 minutes came from so I came from a billable practice and we bill in point sixes. Yeah. Right. So this is a 0 two. I need a 0 2 for this. Right. But most people don't understand a point 2 unless you've worked in a bill. Yeah. Right. But I'm like this is a 2. Let me just for 2. Let me just I love that. That's funny. And I took it and I modified it with it. But yeah, but that's how it came into 12 minute. I live in 12-minute increments. From a practical standpoint, if somebody has not been on this like journey on trying to seek help and get better, how I know Alvo, Professor Kulo Loco.

Yeah, I like that one better. I'm ging my emails. You were recommended. You were referred to a therapist. Yeah. Right. Manell, how how did you find your therapist? The first one um was a referral from a friend um in the area. I wanted somebody close by to my house and uh had grief counseling. She was older. Um she was, like I said, she was good, but I kind of got what I could from her for those first 6 months. And then the second one, I actually found her on my own. I wanted to stay local to my home, close by, cuz if it's far away, I'm not going to go.

Like, I know myself. Accountability is is not a thing. So, I needed to be um easy to get to. And um I read her biography. I I didn't really look at reviews or anything. I just went I I Googled and I loved her biography. I loved what she said about herself online and her background. She's um Israeli, so I felt that um cultural connection as well, which was very important with the the stuff that I'm dealing with. And then um she is a mom as well. Her kids are on the same age as my kids and she has the child uh psychology background.

So I think she hit four of the most important things I wanted to get out of my therapist. And um I've been very happy with her. I think she's wonderful. And I think that's important too. Right. So I asked like a lawyer when you have a lawyer. This is what I'm like. So, not even my kids know what I do. And I could pop quiz both of you guys and you will say two different things. Everyone thinks I do something different, right? Nobody knows what I do, which is hilarious, right? But because it depends on the person, right?

Depends on which 12 minutes, right? But I always tell them, I'm like, what are your pain points? Like, what are the four or five things that you need me to help you with, right? and you just articulated what she needed to make sure this is a right like here are my four issues that I'm struggling with. Yeah. Right. And be able to articulate them. Yeah. You know, like and say can you Oh, you can fix all four of these issues. Let me talk to you. And then from there it's a vibe. Yeah. From there it's a vibe. Like if the energy matches, the energy matches, right?

But at least you've articulated and identified what your issues are and how you need help. That way when you go to see them, you're like, "Hey, here are the four things I have or one thing like my I had one thing, right? Here's what my issue is. I need help navigating this." Yeah. Right. And then it depends on the vibe. I think it's really important too for seeking mental health um assistance. Similar to when my clients come to me and I'm like my job is not to find you not guilty. Like that's not my job.

I think therapists that their job isn't necessarily to quote unquote fix you. Their job is not to solve your problems. Their job is to really help you figure out the approach and resolution on your own based on what you yourself need. So like I know I have a very realistic approach to my therapy. I know what I want, which I'm not going to say on this nationally acclaimed podcast. I heard a claimed I heard that what I want my therapist cannot give me. Yeah. like she she just can't. They can just help you.

She can help me though. You have to. You know what she's going to help me do eventually is she's going to help me realize I can't [ __ ] get that. So, I need to stop wanting it. Yeah. And that is the process. And that's what I accepting it. And we we right now her and I are focusing on this um topic of radical acceptance. And I'm trying to wrap my brain around how radical acceptance does not mean approval. And it's really [ __ ] hard for me. Yeah, it really is. So, we're focusing a lot on that because the radical acceptance is just completely, effortlessly, emotionally, unemotionally accepting of a fact that my brain and heart cannot accept right now.

So that's that's a rough because I can't approve it. Ma, listen. I don't know why I keep saying so. Okay. Um, so when I was going through all this stuff and I started therapy and everyone said like you look like [ __ ] What's funny is somebody says you need to laugh more in your life. Like what are you talking about? I make people laugh all the time. Right? Like no you need to laugh more in your life. And so I got into I didn't I started watching standup comedy, right? Like because I always did music as my unwind, but and I don't like TV.

I won't don't watch TV show. I've never seen The Simpsons. I don't like Right. And they're like, "You need to laugh more." Did he just age himself by saying The Simpsons? Like Yeah. At 51. Um I I don't know what they watch now, but I definitely don't watch it. And um this one comedian said something that also changed my life. Feelings are real, but feelings aren't facts. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Feelings are real. Yeah. We're allowed to have them. Yeah. Right. But they're not facts. We need to learn how to cope and have the skills to deal with it.

We have to live in fact. I mean, to live in a world of fact that you're always going to have these feelings. I don't care how famous you are, how poor you are, how this you are, how this you are, you're going to have feelings. Yeah. And but that doesn't mean that they're true. Right. Right. And so, how do I cope with this to be like, "All right, it's not true, but here's how I should approach the issue." I think it's also helpful when I I know it is for me, and I I assume it's universal because I'm not special, but when you Yes, you are.

Thank you. when you hear other people be vulnerable and authentic and you hear oh you know everyone feels this way everyone does everybody there's some solace in that for sure and and yeah for sure and I think one of the most um anybody who's dealing with uh mental health issues or seeking seeking you know a counselor whether it be a temporary issue or a long-term thing you know ultimately we all feel isolation Yeah, it's just gotten us to a point, right? They feel isolated in some way and that is the worst feeling as a human being.

I think it's one of the worst feelings to have and I know a lot of women feel that especially after giving child birth like child birth no matter what no matter who you have around you, no matter what like there's a feeling of isolation there that is unescribable and that's one of the worst emotions to feel as a human being. Yeah. And it's something that you have to work through because like for me, I know I feel isolated a lot, but I'm around people 247 so it's not the same. It's the scariest thing to me when I when I started being present to it.

I didn't realize that I had these issues for decades. Same. And it was, but now when I'm when once you're aware of it, you can't you're like, "Oh my god, I know it." But it's such a paradigm shift. Like my whole life I thought I don't have these issues, right? My parents aren't divorced. I don't have these issues. What are you talking about? You quantified you you put it all together based on divorce. Correct. Yeah. Weird. Yeah. And so he's like, "Actually, yeah. Your parents were and You became who you were because you were so isolated from everybody else and so you had to develop yourself and you did it with music, you did it with writing, you did it with this, you did it with that and you did it with your personal like but at the end of the day this is actually what happened.

And I left that session. I immediately called my sister and I was like, "Oh my god, right?" Like, "Oh my god, this is like this is" and then once you see it, you can you can't unsee it. You can't unsee it. It's like, "Oh, this is why I act the way I act. Oh, this is how I prevent from doing this again. Oh, this is why I'm this is going to be a trigger for me." Yeah. And this is why cuz you thought you were impenetrable, but you were actually lovely. Yeah. Ally, have you done any sort of therapy or anything?

Have you ever I have and but I've bounced um with therapists because I always I know I'm not special, but I have this uh problem where I believe I am. And I'm like, "No, you don't understand me. This is your advice doesn't you don't understand what's going on." So I've I've actually bounced um through a few therapists and uh I went with uh psy psychologists uh and some talk therapy and I am actually now seeing a psychiatrist. Uh that was because I I felt physiological reactions to some of the emotions that were uh impeding my ability to just like live life the way I thought I should.

Um or you want to or Yeah, that's a better way of saying it. Yeah. I had thrown myself to to the benefit of my clients. I had thrown myself into work. So long hours, you know, 10:00 p.m., 2:00 a.m., 4:00 a.m. I can't sleep. So I wake up and I just work. I would come to this building. If you guys saw the office, I sort of built it so I could live here essentially. I was constantly working. And I I had only recently realized that that's there. Those are actually signs of depression. Yeah. Uh I was isolating, but I was isolating through work.

Yeah. But because it's work and it's productive, my brain's not registering. No one bats an eye to that. Right. Right. Did it deflate you? So the first step is just admitting and accepting. Yeah. Right. Like that's the hardest thing for people to do. And then the next step is to commi communicate it. Did you find it deflating or this isn't going to work by bouncing around? Because like one of the things I was saying is like you need to have the vibe. Yeah. The person and you bounced around. Did that deflate you from trying to see?

It did. Yeah. That's it did. It absolutely did. And then it got to a point where I thought that I had enough learned enough skill set. I I'm smart enough to be dangerous to myself. Sure. Be like, "Oh, I understand the concepts, so I'll use that." Right. the all three of us. That was my issue was and I feel like this is a little of what you're saying is I always felt there was going to be this point where I was going to outsmart them. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's it, right? Absolutely. That's it. They don't get it.

They don't get it. And that's my problem. And that's why I love Neil, right? Because I will out like I will read it. I will see it. I'll see what your issues are and then I'll attack it in a way that you don't even see it coming. And that's to my therapist. Yeah. Right. And it's a way to just validate that this is the person I should be taking advice from because if I can outsmart you, right? Why do I need to even see you? Right. I can figure this out on myself. Right. Right. But I think that's the problem, right?

might be an ego thing. It's an ego thing. No, 100%. And I I'm I know exactly what you're saying, but simplify it. Your clients come to you because they want you to outsmart the insurance company because they can't do it or the court system or the court system, right? But that is not what we do. Sure, sometimes, but in general, that's not what we do, right? So, we need to stop thinking that we're better or smarter than our therapists who are doing what they're supposed to do. We have unrealistic expectations from our therapists.

Yeah. Right. And we are thinking we're the smartest man person in the room. And that's fine. We can think that all day long. But really, you're just you're not helping yourself in front of anybody if you think that way. You're not helping yourself in front of your therapists. You're not helping yourself in front of your friends, your colleagues, your clients. I totally understand the theory. So, try simplifying it. Like we people come to us to help them, right? They come to you for your expertise, even though they could technically be smarter than you.

Most a lot of people are smarter than me. I'm not that smart. I'm just good at what I do. Do you see what I mean? So, you go to your therapist because they are better at that than you are. Or I'd say it's a vibe because if you weren't you have to have that vibe like but you got also take take accountability for your own process and and part and play in the part you play in this. Absolutely. One thing that I I learned for me is that the virtual sessions don't work. [ __ ] off. Uhuh. You need No, I person 100%.

Yeah, you need to connect. I couldn't do I had to do I was forced to do a couple of them with my first therapist because like I needed a session but like the baby was sick or my child care fell through or something and it was so toxic. I would go sit in like my guest bedroom and I did not want that energy in my home. I just didn't. And so I needed to do the in person like always in person but like like she said like Minnelle said like find your one two three four things right but then find somebody that you can vibe with like this person's cool.

I actually like like this person. Yeah. You know like we obviously have boundaries you know like you're not going out right just like you have boundaries with your client. Yeah. You have to have the boundary, but you have to vi like Yeah. I need to like you. Like I say, my rule of thumb is My grandpa used to tell me this. Um, for real or you just saying it? For real? Like my rule of thumb is I don't work with [ __ ] Yeah. If I can't have a beer with you, Sure. I don't want you as a client. Same. I don't work with [ __ ] That's my I say that in CLE's like, and so I was at this I say that in every consultation.

I say this all the time, right? It's like one of my phrases. I'm at a CL 300 lawyers. I'm giving my speech. I throw out my mantras. I don't work with [ __ ] After each speech, right, there's usually a line. I'm like, "Hey, my name's I work in Nevada. Love your speech. Can we exchange information? My firm needs help." Right? So, the room clears. Room clear. Like, I do that whole thing. And there's one person standing in the back of the room like and I don't notice them but they walk up to me like everyone's cleared.

They walk up to me. It's a former client that I fired. Go now I know why you don't work with me anymore. Are you sure? Yeah. Hell yeah. It's so funny. We're I now I'm learning a lot today. I now know why I get along with you so well. One is the birthday thing. We we give the birthdays off here, but they get to choose if they don't want to use it on a different day. And then two is we we won't work with [ __ ] either on the clients. It's not worth life's too short, man. Too short. And I don't want anyone that works here to have to deal with Exactly.

that sort of And the problem is what I deal with is helping law firms, right? And I'm like, you see these people more than you see anybody else in your life, more than you see your kids, more than you see your sign. Like you see these people more like you mean the employees and stuff? Yeah. Like the people you work with. Yeah. They're your family. They come. They are. And it's like for me to dread coming to work or not have everyone like I'm not saying they all have to go have drinks with each other like and go have like I'm not saying they have to be best friends.

Yeah. But I mean you spend so much time with these people like make sure you surround yourself with the people, right? Yeah. I agree. 100%. I really appreciate both of you guys coming. Is there anything that you feel like we haven't discussed or if there's anything on your chest that you want to get off your chest before we sign off? No, I mean honestly, I would love to do this again. Yeah. If any listeners have questions and they want to reach out, by all means, that would be fantastic. Actually, on that note, I wanted to mention that if you go to the AutoAccon Attorneys Group website, that's www.t t h a a a g- r o.com.

That's www.thea aaagroup.com. If you go to free resources, there's a forum there that just went live about a week ago. Um, if this isn't a live show, but if you post questions in the forum, not only will we respond there, but I may uh bring it up during the podcast, and if you submit a question, maybe we'll bring you on so that I can answer it in person with you. Yeah. And as far as social media goes, obviously I'm attorney Ali Manell, how can people find you? Um, you can find me at the Shahheim Law Firm and uh I can definitely share all that info.

Fantastic. The link will be in the wherever you're watching this in the body there will be a link. Professor, I'm going to say professor. [Music] Everyone is crazy. Yeah. Okay. Everyone's crazy. I don't care how cool you think you are. Everyone's crazy. It's okay to be crazy. The the idea is how do I handle this crazy? And when I meet other people like a significant other or children, how do I translate that in a productive way? Yeah. Yeah. But everyone, I don't care how cool you are, everyone's crazy. And I think also like how do we help each other with our crazy?

It's a village. And be kind. It is a village. Yeah. Don't Don't be Don't work with [ __ ] Don't be an [ __ ] that we don't want to start with. Nice. Yeah. And live in 12-inute increments. And you're going to [ __ ] up, but in the next 12 minutes, I'll be all right. My guess is the people that are [ __ ] are people that haven't identified it. Yep. And they need therapy. Or their egoes maybe or their or their ego is preventing them from communicating. They might know about it, but their ego, you know, is preventing them from communicating it and seeking how to fix it.

Yeah. So, you've got people who are just like are clueless, like no awareness at all. Yeah. Then you've got people who are aware of it, but their ego prevents them from communicating it. And then their ego also keeps them from fixing it from happening again in the future. Yeah. Yeah, which is why I have a driver, right? I know I know how to prevent situations, right? Like I can see all these things in advance. Love it. So, same thing for everyone else. It's like you're going to be dealing with this. It's happening.

Like, I don't care how cool or invincible you think you are, this it's happening to you, right? And so being aware of it, being able to communicate it, and then being open enough and vulnerable enough to let somebody help you with it because it takes a village. It does. It's good to know that it you're not the only one feeling it. Yeah. Others are feeling it. As I said, everyone's crazy. Like everyone, I don't care how cool you are. Yeah. Everyone's crazy. Everyone's crazy. Just don't be an [ __ ] It's okay to be crazy.

Just don't be an [ __ ] Well, crazy folks. Everyone's crazy. And that and you [ __ ] If you're an [ __ ] please subscribe. If you're crazy, like this video. Um, leave comments. Obviously, we're like any other podcast. We're trying to to get more traction online. So, your help would be smash that like button. Is that what the kids say? That's what the kids say. Smash that like button. Alvaro Manell, thank you so much. Listeners, I love you guys. Until the next episode, you guys take care. Thanks, man. Bye.